Monday, September 15, 2008

A Moment of Silence

It has been 3 days, 7 hours, and 57 minutes since I had the worst feeling I have ever had. It was a dull moment, silence filled my room. I did not know what to do, what to feel. I do not know if I should be angered or saddened. I was shocked. I spent the next five minutes reminiscing happy memories. I did cry, after that... the first thing I thought was to eat some pizza.

I hurried to the bathroom, took a bath, brushed my teeth, and finally wore my suit. It was easy and then I thought, what am I really going to do? I reached for my phone beneath the mountain of pillows and blankets I had on my bed. I took my keys and locked the door, I was ready to leave.

I went to a nearby Italian restaurant, ordered my pizza and some pasta. I sat and ate my dinner quietly. I did not think as much as I felt for I felt empty.

I do not know the answer to her question, I did not know what to do. I panicked, sub-consciously that is. It was frustrating, my mind was sailing in a vast space. I felt for once, the abyss that I have created. Today, I live with questions that I dare not answer. I keep on thinking how she was the minute that it occurred to us. I keep on thinking how she will be at each second that passes. I keep on thinking, never doing anything that can be done.

I do not know myself. The mental torment that I cause to myself is beyond comprehension. I keep on rejecting reasons. I cannot feel a thing for what has happened. It was unexpected, but I did expect for it. I am not sure if I wanted our decision. The case is pending, it floats within the still air and blocked by the walls I have created for myself.

When can I face it? When can I finally decide for the answer? I do not know for I am shocked. I cry. I reminisce. I laugh. I become speechless. I get angry. I forget.

Still, I do not have the answer. I am disappointed.

Everybody knows
Everybody knows
That you cradle the sun, sun
Living in remorse
Sky is over

Don't you want to hold me baby?
Disappointed, going crazy

Even though we can't afford
The sky is over
Even though we can't afford
The sky is over
I don't want to see you go
The sky is over
Even though we can't afford
The sky is over

- Sky is Over, Serj Tankian

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Recollection

My end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
The end of the road is my end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
THE END OF THE ROAD!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

- Before I Forget, Slipknot


Now you know the answer
Save yourself from danger
I cannot forget how all of this began
I know you know the answers
Save yourself from danger
Beaten by a stranger
Blood still on his hands

- This Moment, Disturbed

People can no longer cover their eyes
If this disturbs you then walk away
You will remember the night you were struck by the sight of
Ten Thousand fists in the air

Power unrestrained dead on the mark
Is what we will deliver tonight, deliver tonight
Pleasure fused with pain this triumph of the soul
will make you shiver tonight, will make you shiver tonight, yeah

- Ten Thousand Fists, Disturbed


Why do we sit around and
Break each others hearts tonight,
Why do we dance around
The issues till the morning light,
When we sit and talk and
Tear each others lives apart,
You were the one to tell me go,
But you were the one for me
And now you're going through the door
When you take that step
I love you baby more and more
We need to laugh and sing and cry
And warm each others hearts tonight,
Observing the fun of everything
And loving all of mother God,

- Saving Us, Serj Tankian

This is 10% luck, 20% skill
15% concentrated power of will
5% pleasure, 50% pain
And a 100% reason to remember the name!

- Remember the Name, Fort Minor featuring Mike Shinoda


Today is just one long day. I am still shocked. Random actions once more.