A Moment of Silence

It has been 3 days, 7 hours, and 57 minutes since I had the worst feeling I have ever had. It was a dull moment, silence filled my room. I did not know what to do, what to feel. I do not know if I should be angered or saddened. I was shocked. I spent the next five minutes reminiscing happy memories. I did cry, after that... the first thing I thought was to eat some pizza.

I hurried to the bathroom, took a bath, brushed my teeth, and finally wore my suit. It was easy and then I thought, what am I really going to do? I reached for my phone beneath the mountain of pillows and blankets I had on my bed. I took my keys and locked the door, I was ready to leave.

I went to a nearby Italian restaurant, ordered my pizza and some pasta. I sat and ate my dinner quietly. I did not think as much as I felt for I felt empty.

I do not know the answer to her question, I did not know what to do. I panicked, sub-consciously that is. It was frustrating, my mind was sailing in a vast space. I felt for once, the abyss that I have created. Today, I live with questions that I dare not answer. I keep on thinking how she was the minute that it occurred to us. I keep on thinking how she will be at each second that passes. I keep on thinking, never doing anything that can be done.

I do not know myself. The mental torment that I cause to myself is beyond comprehension. I keep on rejecting reasons. I cannot feel a thing for what has happened. It was unexpected, but I did expect for it. I am not sure if I wanted our decision. The case is pending, it floats within the still air and blocked by the walls I have created for myself.

When can I face it? When can I finally decide for the answer? I do not know for I am shocked. I cry. I reminisce. I laugh. I become speechless. I get angry. I forget.

Still, I do not have the answer. I am disappointed.

Everybody knows
Everybody knows
That you cradle the sun, sun
Living in remorse
Sky is over

Don't you want to hold me baby?
Disappointed, going crazy

Even though we can't afford
The sky is over
Even though we can't afford
The sky is over
I don't want to see you go
The sky is over
Even though we can't afford
The sky is over

- Sky is Over, Serj Tankian

Recollection

My end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
The end of the road is my end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
THE END OF THE ROAD!

I am a world before I am a man
I was a creature before I could stand
I will remember before I forget
BEFORE I FORGET THAT!

- Before I Forget, Slipknot

Now you know the answer
Save yourself from danger
I cannot forget how all of this began
I know you know the answers
Save yourself from danger
Beaten by a stranger
Blood still on his hands

- This Moment, Disturbed

People can no longer cover their eyes
If this disturbs you then walk away
You will remember the night you were struck by the sight of
Ten Thousand fists in the air

Power unrestrained dead on the mark
Is what we will deliver tonight, deliver tonight
Pleasure fused with pain this triumph of the soul
will make you shiver tonight, will make you shiver tonight, yeah

- Ten Thousand Fists, Disturbed

Why do we sit around and
Break each others hearts tonight,
Why do we dance around
The issues till the morning light,
When we sit and talk and
Tear each others lives apart,
You were the one to tell me go,
But you were the one for me
And now you're going through the door
When you take that step
I love you baby more and more
We need to laugh and sing and cry
And warm each others hearts tonight,
Observing the fun of everything
And loving all of mother God,

- Saving Us, Serj Tankian

This is 10% luck, 20% skill
15% concentrated power of will
5% pleasure, 50% pain
And a 100% reason to remember the name!

- Remember the Name, Fort Minor featuring Mike Shinoda


Today is just one long day. I am still shocked. Random actions once more.

Whatever I Want

A few lines from the movie The Dark Knight, and some other things I want to remember.

You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

- Harvey Dent, Batman, The Dark Knight

...the world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance; unbiased, unprejudiced, fair.

- Two - Face, The Dark Knight

I believe whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you... stranger.

If you're good at something, never do it for free.

The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.

See, I’m not a monster... I’m just ahead of the curve.

Introduce a little anarchy, upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, you know that thing about chaos? It’s fair.

Y'see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little... push.

- The Joker, The Dark Knight

Law 1 - Never outshine the master
Law 3 - Always say less than necessary
Law 9 - Win through actions, never through argument
Law 41 - Avoid stepping into a great man's shoes
Law 46 - Never appear too perfect

- Robert Greene, The 48 Laws of Power

A few movies kept me really entertained, by entertained I mean deeply captivated. I sometimes walk along a street thinking how different things maybe if something ever happened like in the movies. In truth, I'm just wasting my time to cut the boredom in me. Same goes when I read books, tangible ones, and not just some random e-book. It's a little different when I think about my age-old feelings. I tend to do nothing.

I guess I am not making any better sense, again.

Exhausting My Mind

My first post was never meant to be about this topic. It's a topic I've always neglected, no, ignored. Yesterday has been such a lifetime. The past is haunting me. Y'see, how can I forget something that I have set as my goal, my future, my personal lifetime wish? I really do not know, maybe you do... do you?

People may see me now as a fool, a nobody, even a failure. But that does not stop me from believing in myself. I believe that whatever does not kill me, simply makes me stronger. Then what if it can kill me? It is already doing so. I am left with three unfathomable options with painful consequences. If I am too early to decide which path to take then I go down possibly with depression. If I were to choose later, then everything will be over. Then again, If I am to continue my current status, I would have never reached what I aimed years ago, I would not have even tried.

The way I see it, I do not deserve whatever I have at the moment. But, giving up on it may not seem too well. I may end up losing both, my current status and my dream. But is it all worthy to fulfill your own destiny? I say, I created my own destiny therefore I am not to fail with it.

Reconsidering the fact about chances, I must have the lowest of them all. Chances on having any of my desires to be fulfilled are marginal, then how does one deal with it? I am full of thoughts that I can barely make sense with whatever I say. Surely, there must be at least someone who I can reach out and make sense with. Removing other people's judgmental views, things would be pretty easier. Things may take a while before they would be fulfilled, I am sure of it. For how long must one endure?

I do not know which is the right choice, I am betting that I can make the right one.